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One of the things you missed last night if you didn’t make it along to Topical Cream was out mature and thoughtful take on the story of the al Qaeda supergrass. So, I recorded it for you, and here it is.

And these were the lyrics which are almost completely indistinct on that recording:

We are young. We’ve got bombs. We’re ambivalent about the ongoing massacre in Homs. Kill the West, the Israelites. We’re Shi-ites.

[I then explained at length that I was aware that al-Qaeda is an almost universally Sunni movement]

We get up. Out of bed’n. Start to plan Armageddon. Check our shoes. Book our flights. We’re probably not Shi’ites.

Are we like you? We can’t be sure. But you country’s corrupt, and your women are whores.

Yes we are young. We love thrills. We’ve got teeth, full of cyanide pills. Bomb your friends. Bomb the sights. Bomb Shi-ites.

And not only did you miss that satirical blinking masterpiece, you missed Darren Strange, Nadia Kamil, Hils Barker, Ruth Bratt, Sir Ian Bowler, Jake Yapp, David Trent, Michael Legge & John Voce, and ME. You also missed us openly speculating about the final sexual fantasies of the sailors on the Belgrano, a rap about smear tests, and some actual footage of a pooing man.

Do better next month. May 8th, the Vandella.

Be there.

(Pippa Evans, Joe Wells, Ruth Bratt, Ben Champion, and Holly Burn will)


How could you?

These children will be this unhappy if you don't come

You may know that next Tuesday, April 17th, is the beginning of something *very* exciting. And by ‘very’ I mean ‘very, very’.

Next Tuesday sees the launch of the new, topical, character comedy night at The Vandella: Topical Cream.

Wait? What? Topical character comedy? Can such a thing even be done?

Oh, it can. This month and every month I shall be gathering the most intriguing, hilarious and bizarre weirdoes into one place to create an entirely new kind of comedy.

Yes, it’s topical comedy. No, it won’t simply be songs about how George Osborne has a stupid nose and drinks the blood of children. Although there will be songs.

It’s unlike anything you’ll have seen before, and it will leave you weeping hysterically, unable to move without medical assistance. You’ll laugh yourself in half.

And if that doesn’t convince you, here are ten more reasons.

  1. Time Out recommends that you come. It’s recommended by Time Out. Look, over on this page. The bit that says ‘recommended’? That means they recommend it.
  2. It’s a Tuesday. What else are you really going to do with a Tuesday? Really? No. Thought not.
  3. The line-up. We’ve got Ruth Bratt, Darren Strange, Sara Pascoe, Robin & Partridge, Hils Barker, John Voce & Michael Legge, Jake Yapp, David Trent, and Nadia Kamil.
  4. Oh, and ME!
  5. In future we’ve got Bridget Christie, Pippa Evans, Dan & Dan, Marcel Lucont, David Bussell, and many, many, many more.
  6. We are employing Professional Hecklers to make sure that any heckling that happens is of the highest possible quality. We are the only club in London to do this.
  7. The Vandella is lovely. It’s a brilliant venue, run by some lovely people. It’s comfy, quirky, and is definitely the place to be seen this summer.
  8. It’s musical, it’s odd, it’s got acts the like of which you won’t have seen before, all doing brand new material. It’s bleeding edge political comedy, and it’s where the new satire boom is going to happen.
  9. People will think you are cool when you can say that you saw all those people on the telly before they were famous.
  10. I love you and I miss you.

Book your tickets here.

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