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Hey, everyone! Remember back in the old days, when I used to write a #bbcqt fact sheet for UsVsTh3m every week?

Well, unfortunately, UsVsTh3m is dead, and its corpse is currently passing painfully through the digestive tracts of vultures and parasites, so that can’t happen any more.

Unless…

Unless…

I just do one of my own! So here it is. Your new and improved Question Time Fact Sheet. Keep it to hand as the horror begins…

Cross Mary Creagh

Cross Mary Creagh

Mary Creagh (Lab, MP for Wakefield, Shadow Secretary for International Development)

  • She’s a Labour leadership candidate supported by an MP with perhaps the best name in the whole House of Commons, Thangam Debbonaire. (Source)
  • From 2007-9 she was Chair of the Labour Movement for Europe. (Source)
  • As a councillor she started the longest-ever investigation by the Standards Board. A tribunal called her an “inventive witness, lacking in balanced judgement and one who was prepared to make assumptions about the honesty and integrity of others without any proper basis.” (Source)
  • Her children are called Clement and Beatrice, either after Clement Attlee and Beatrice Webb, or Clement Freud and Princess Beatrice. We’ll just never know. (Source)
  • Is a keen cyclist. (Source)

In summary: Unknown quantity, who perhaps deserves to remain such.

What to shout at the telly: “I preferred Ronnie and Reggie,” “velocipede wanker,” “Mary Crain’t, more like.”

Completely Norman Lamb

Completely Norman Lamb

Norman Lamb (Lib Dem, MP for North Norfolk)

  • Is a candidate for the Lib Dem leaderhsip, who wants to legalise cannabis. (Source)
  • Worked as a parliamentary researcher for Greville Janner in the early 1980s. Yes, THAT Greville Janner… (Source)
  • In January 2015 announced £497,000 from the Coatal Communities Fund for his constituency. 80% of the grants from the fund set up by Danny Alexander went to Tory or Lib Dem constituencies. (Source)
  • Was PPS to both Charles Kennedy and Nick Clegg. (Source)
  • He invested £10,000 in the career of Tinchy Strider and claimed he and his wife were “living the grime scene.” (Source)

In summary: Lembit’s sensible twin, cut from his shoulder at birth.

What to shout at the telly: “Fucking quisling Lib Dem bastard,” “Smiling herb-goon,” “North Norfolk Digiturd.”

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It’s only Justine Bleedin’ Greening

Justine Greening (Con, MP for Putney, Secretary of State for International Development)

  • Was an accountant with PriceWaterhouse Cooper, Glaxo SmithKline and Centrica before entering parliament. (Source)
  • Was found to be the MP who is 9th best value-for-money according to the unbiased bods at the Adam Smith Institute in 2009. In 2012. The Adam Smith Institute was later paid £37 million by Greening’s department, the DfID to “promote the free market in the third world”. Coincidentally. (Source)
  • Failed to vote on Syria because she was too busy chatting to notice the division bell, Or did she? (Source: Wikipedia)
  • Is currently the boss of Grant Shapps, who has been alleged to be Westminster-based Wikipedia editor Contribsx. Contribsx is the editor who added the information above about Greening missing a vote because she was too busy chatting to Wikipedia. (Source)
  • Opposes a third runway at Heathrow. (Source)

In summary: The daughter of whom Rick Wakeman is most proud.

What to shout at the telly: “Broken Toby jug, full to the brim with mouse corpses,” “Lispy, brittle-eyed gauleiter,” “Scowl owl.”

kirbynormal (1)

Jill Kirby (writer, Conservative blogger)

  • She was Director of the Centre for Policy Studies 2007-2011 (Source)
  • She blogs for Conservative Home (Source)
  • Wants to “introduce proper welfare sanctions to end the incentives to fecklessness” (Source)
  • Doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page (Citation Needed)

In summary: Like an Eastern European ersatz Melanie Phillips for when their factories couldn’t shurn out enough actual Melanie Phillipses.

What to shout at the telly: “Venomous hell twig,” “the creeping hand of death,” “jill Dando’s ghost.”

susie-boniface

Susie Boniface (journalist, Fleet Street Fox)

  • Gatecrashed Katie Price’s wedding to Alex Reid. (Source)
  • Won the London Press Club award for Blog Of The Year in 2013. (Source)
  • Was accused by Sarah Ditum of “hysterical misogyny.” (Source)
  • Until 2006 was married to a Sun journalist. (Source)

In summary: Human word-user.

What to shout at the telly: “At least someone’s still getting paid by The Mirror!” (Or maybe that will just be me…)

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