There are some accolades in life that you hope for, work for, do your best to achieve: the BAFTAS, the Nobel Prizes, Duke of Edinburgh Award scheme badges. Others are unexpected, unpredictable gifts from the universe that burst into your life out of nowhere. Like this one:

That's me!

That’s right! I am, officially, the fourth least popular person ever to have been born in Essex. And that includes Richard Madeley, Denise Van Outen, and Joe Pasquale. And Russell Brand. When you are less popular than someone who has had a hate campaign organised against them by the tabloid press, that’s really saying something.

In all, it was the perfect end to a week characterised mainly by penury, failure, and a crippling kidney infection.

Now, to somehow become less popular than those other three gits. That’s right, Andy Rigney, Charles Ashton, and Tim Collins, I’m coming for your title…

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