Here’s a little something I wrote when I was alone and bitter and twisted, too. In 2004. Hope it helps…

There are three different St. Valentines…

Each and every one’s a fucking martyr.

So, as you mouth the platitudes your latest prop against self-sufficiency wants to hear mumbled across the pillow this morning, remember this:

1) Married people get more cancer. Nuns and eunuchs have the lowest rates of cervical and prostate cancer recorded (there are no recorded cases of prostate cancer in eunuchs). These people don’t tend to be married.

2) One of you will die first. And they’ll probably wait until you’re old and incapable to do it. The nurses might change your nappies, and wipe the mashed potato from your chin, but they’re not going to fellate you the way you really like. Constantly.

3) It’s a statistical improbablity that you’re soulmates. There are 7 billion people in the world. If we each get one soulmate, you’re probably not even on the right continent. Chances are, yours is Chinese.

4) You can name ten people more attractive than the one you’re spending today with. And if you can’t, I will. Unless you are David E. Kelley.

5) It’s not going to last. After all, none of the others have.

Happy Valentine’s Day, you lucky, lucky bastards…

Originally published at Pastichio Nuts on February 14, 2004. Everything changes but you…

Advertisements