We all know that the Queen poos (unlike Prince Philip, who vents clouds of highly-acidic faecal gas from a fleshy nozzle just beneath his chin, before blinking his inner eyelids and retreating to the warmth of the Royal Egg Chamber), but few of us have really considered the implications of this.
There must be days when Her Majesty, Monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and her Islands clenches her little fists, grabs hold of the seat and really bears down to dislodge a particularly awkward chunk of digested swan. (This is in stark contrast to Barack Obama, whose turds slip out of him like otters returning to the wild.) At times like these, as her tiny heels drum against the floor, a fine sweat breaks out on her aged forehead, and she prays to a higher power (higher pooer?) to just get the damned thing out, she must hope that if this is it, if she dies here, that they take her corpse and arrange it so it looks like she was doing something less embarrassing when the time came. Something like feeding her corgis, opening a hospital, or cutting the brake lines on a Mercedes-Benz W140.
There are probably worse ways to go than carking it in the middle of a poo, but I’m struggling to think of any now. Here are nine more who expired in the water closets. Flush-in-the-pans.
9. Elvis Presley – Although one of the most famous to die in their bathrooms, Elvis wasn’t found on his toilet. He was several feet away from the toilet, where he had apparently crawled in an attempt to get help, interrupted whilst using the toilet. He was obese, and suffered from glaucoma, high blood pressure, liver damage, had a history of abusing prescription drugs, and an enlarged colon. One of his coroners said he had ‘the arteries of an eighty-year old‘. Although there is some dispute over whether it was the massive drug intake, the weight, or the actual ‘straining at stool’ (as his biographer puts it) that caused his heart attack, the moral remains the same: you can’t have too much fibre in your diets, kids.
8. Evelyn Waugh – the ‘bright young thing’ of the 1920s, and later Catholic propagandist came home from church one Sunday, went to the loo, and never came out again. He ascended to the Heavenly Throne whilst mounted on his.
7. Catherine the Great – Catherine the Great is perhaps the only person in history about whom it can be said the best version of the story of their death is the one where they die, grunting on the toilet. Because in the other popular version of the Catherine the Great’s death she was crushed to death by a horse during the act of coitus.
6. Uesugi Kenshin – Kenshin was one of the most powerful Japanese warlords of the sixteenth century with a prodigious capacity for booze. Although most people agree that he died on the toilet, there’s a lot of dispute over whether it was his prodigious drinking, or a cesspit-dwelling ninja that finally got him. I like to imagine a combination of the two. A booze-addled bum-ninja.
5. Christopher Shale – Not hugely famous in and of himself, Shale is notable for two things: being David Cameron’s constituency aide, and dying in a toilet at the Glastonbury Festival. In one move he managed to replace the popular image of Tories as being tangerine-chomping auto-erotic asphyxiators, start rumours about shadowy conspiracies and leaked documents, and get everyone to agree that people over 50 should not attend music festivals.
4. Edmund Ironsides – Stabbed in the anus by a Viking hiding in his toilet. There is literally nothing about that last sentence I don’t like.
3. Don Simpson – A heart attack waiting to happen, Top Gun Producer, S&M enthusiast and allegedly prodigious drug user Don Simpson died on the toilet, whilst reading a biography of Oliver Stone. Death must have come as a blessed relief.
2. King George II – Fat, palsied German George II was blind in one eye and hard of hearing by 1760, when he had a cup of hot chocolate and went to the loo. A few moments later a crash was heard, and the king was pronounced dead from ‘overexertions on the privy’.
1. Lenny Bruce – Lenny Bruce didn’t just die on a toilet, he died doing heroin on a toilet. Imagine being so in love with heroin that you don’t even want to finish taking a dump before getting high. “You know, I could wait, like, three minutes and then do this on the sofa. Nah, what’s the worst that can- urk!”
So, what has this litany of poo-related perishing taught us? What have we learned from these salutary tales? One thing. Toilets can kill you.
Never, ever go to the toilet. That is all.
47 comments
Comments feed for this article
September 2, 2011 at 7:45 pm
john tearney
arse achingly funny nathaniel. you wont hear any of this on horrible histories.
September 2, 2011 at 10:24 pm
Tim Garrett
Can’t believe you missed out Thomas Aquinas!
My philosophy degree finally proves its value
September 12, 2011 at 2:38 pm
JoeJoe
Well, as we’re already in the loo with Ironsides, we can also note that he was defeated by “Daft” Cnut at the battle of Assandun.
And there’s nothing about *that* sentence that I don’ t like.
September 18, 2011 at 4:20 am
the Indie Pedant
Only somewhat regrets reading this before embarking to the bog *leaves crack pipe behind*.
Nice list!
October 16, 2012 at 7:13 am
PJ Crankypants
This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read on the internet……especially the one about Edmund Ironsides. I literally LMAO after reading that. 🙂
November 19, 2012 at 5:59 am
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[…] for going to potty and we spend close to three years of our lives sitting on the porcelain throne. Kings have even died on them. Yet mention the word “toilet” and generally, an embarrassed chuckle follows. Perhaps that is […]
December 9, 2012 at 1:30 am
Gabriel Vigon
Kurt Cobain?
December 10, 2012 at 9:00 pm
Nathaniel Tapley
No, he died in the greenhouse.
January 11, 2013 at 2:18 am
vanessa
Who did
January 8, 2013 at 12:43 am
Tony farees
Gr8
January 11, 2013 at 2:13 am
vanessa
Its weird elvis died in the bathroom
January 11, 2013 at 2:16 am
vanessa
And also peeps say. That they have seen elvis after death in a gas station people think that is not dead
January 1, 2017 at 2:55 am
pavel
do you like the loo ?
February 6, 2013 at 12:31 pm
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March 15, 2013 at 12:43 am
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[…] August 16, 1977, The King did not expire on the porcelain throne as thought. He was apparently abducted and sent to Mars where he was cloned with aliens to create […]
April 4, 2013 at 12:51 am
mizkizzle
Arse-achingly funny but you left out Judy Garland. And Edmund Ironsides WAS featured in Horrible History’s “Stupid Deaths.”
June 25, 2013 at 8:03 pm
mystery
I miss Elvis 😦
July 1, 2013 at 3:26 am
Joel west
I think elvis was a great human being.a man that gave to all.and music that was great to all generations.just nobody knew wat he was going threw but god thats was his escape to numb his pain and being famous when u gave the world ur all.and most of all lonely inside ur soul.king of rockn roll.
July 1, 2013 at 3:48 am
Joel west
All elvis songs sum up his life and wat he felt during his life .research it and visit graceland to get the feel of the vibes.then u will knw for yourself your opinions of the great elvis presley icon he left us to know and love.
July 9, 2013 at 3:58 am
Vlad Lazarenko
I’m reading this on a toilet and trying hard not to die from laughing :-)))
August 21, 2013 at 4:59 pm
Bob Marlowe
…and Judy Garland.
August 25, 2013 at 9:44 pm
Dr Wesley McLaren
This was a great article that highlights an important safety concern. In my country we refer to the toilet as Mount Kohler, and we equate it’s anatomy with that of Mount Everest. If we have to release a brown snake into the wild we might say ” I am going to rope up and climb Mt Kohler.” Rarely does this mean we are going all the way to the summit, which would be the top of the tank on back. Dropping a bomb in the tank is a maneuver known as the “upper decker.” Much like the Hillary step on Mt Everest, the seat is known as the Energor step, and in between the step and the summit, The Death Zone. As we can see, many have met their end in the Death Zone, and this brings me to my safety concern. in a poorly ventilated toilet a deadly buildup of methane (CH4) pushes out the oxygen leaving the user in an environment not unlike the oxygen depleted Death Zone on Everest. If the user does not have a high VCH4 max, they could perish if on the Energor step for too long. Why not make tank oxygen available in public restrooms as they do in the death zone on Everest. I feel that this important amenity could save countless lives. Thanks for your time and visit my website for more on this important public safety issue.
August 25, 2013 at 11:51 pm
Nathaniel Tapley
This has to be one of my favorite comments ever.
August 27, 2013 at 2:45 pm
Dr Wesley McLaren
There’s more where that came from. Come visit the dark side. We would love to hear from you.
April 9, 2014 at 3:51 pm
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[…] us choose to remember Elvis LOOONNNNGGG before the Peanut Butter, Banana and Bacon sandwiches and Toilet Bowl Deuce of Doom, I want to remember him as a real life Superhero that was bigger than life and inspired many after […]
April 10, 2014 at 9:01 pm
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[…] us choose to remember Elvis LOOONNNNGGG before the Peanut Butter, Banana and Bacon sandwiches and Toilet Bowl Deuce of Doom, I want to remember him as a real life Superhero that was bigger than life and inspired many after […]
April 14, 2014 at 6:23 pm
janes van der.merwe
Stay alive piss in someone else’s yard
August 4, 2014 at 10:46 pm
stuartsmalley@cia.gov
Indeed, I think we all remember the report coming over the radio: Elvis Presley died today, straining at his stool.
August 29, 2014 at 12:30 pm
john
Hey guys, I just want to say I’m gay and love to crap. I’m not black & I love to shit, and lastly I’m bi and like to 3
September 12, 2014 at 8:19 pm
http://thealexandrian.net
Wow that was strange. I just wrote an incredibly long comment but after I clicked submit my comment
didn’t appear. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
Anyways, just wanted to say wonderful blog!
January 26, 2015 at 4:39 pm
Michael Skok
Going to the bathroom is humiliating because we were taught it is humiliating by our parents. As little children, we have to be taught where to make poop, that it’s not good to eat. We have to be taught to wear our clothes and keep them on and not walk around naked. And so now we don’t appreciate how important it is to sit on the toilet and get rid of the waste. It is a poison. If our bodies can’t get rid of it, we die.
April 8, 2015 at 10:37 am
3432
thumbs down ok most of these I don’t even know who they are I only herd of 2 people Elvis Presley and king George the 2 .
May 14, 2015 at 10:44 am
Trevor Keyes
Talk about straining your thoughts.when i hear someone has died could of been on the bog.
June 15, 2015 at 7:19 pm
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January 9, 2016 at 4:07 am
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[…] serious bowel disease, I will confess that I worry that some day I will “go” the way of many famous people. That I will die literally on the loo. Those people include Elvis (who did not leave the […]
February 25, 2016 at 3:18 pm
davepriceuk
Reblogged this on The Dave Price Blog and commented:
I outlived Elvis by five years, but my legs fell asleep while on the toilet just now.
So I ended up here.
May 9, 2016 at 1:39 pm
Takara
Who else is reading this on the toilet
May 15, 2016 at 7:42 pm
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[…] quite vulnerable (go ask Elvis, or Lenny Bruce, or Top Gun Producer Don Simpson, or the others on this list). And now, that will be even more true. But this legislation must […]
December 18, 2016 at 1:08 pm
St John
lol, the King while taking a crap
April 11, 2017 at 7:07 pm
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http://i0.poll.fm/js/rating/rating.js
May 30, 2017 at 2:55 am
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July 10, 2017 at 2:16 pm
Kimberly Cole
You forgot Judy Garland. Shame on you! Haha
March 10, 2020 at 12:50 pm
mrs bobbi hearne
Famous people who should have died on the loo?