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Hello, on Tuesday it’s Topical cream time again. This month we’ve got Pippa Evans, Ruth Bratt, Holly Burn, Stephanie Jory, Ben Champion, Joe Wells, Kate Smurthwaite and MORE all jumping around and squashing the news into new and exciting shapes for your viewing pleasure.

So here are ten more reasons why you should hie yourself down to the Vandella for 7:30 on Tuesday evening…

  1. Louise Mensch, Tom Watson, Boris, Ken, Egg Miliband, the omnishambles, there is just SO MUCH NEWS!
  2. We’ve only gone and bloody got Audrey Hepburn to perform for you. For one night only, she’s going to stop being dead and come to perform to you. Audrey bumming Hepburn!
  3. There’s going to be an actual celebrity guest, revealed tomorrow. To find out who, follow @tcreamshow on Twitter, and you’ll be the first to know.
  4. There will be competitions.
  5. There will be music.
  6. There will be love and romance. Let’s come to Topical Cream and dance (when invited to by the performers).
  7. It will be new, full of stuff that’s never been performed before, unlike anything you’ve ever seen before, and it’s all yours on a Tuesday night.
  8. Somehow, we’re going to top al-Qaeda Supergrass, but no one knows how, yet. Come and find out.
  9. Impress your friends by reciting the jokes the next day, and pretend you’re both well-informed and hilarious.
  10. You can win free tickets! If you RT or share information about the gig on Facebook, you’ll be entered into a draw to win FREE tickets. Amazong!

Details are here.

Book a ticket, then go spread the word…

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One of the things you missed last night if you didn’t make it along to Topical Cream was out mature and thoughtful take on the story of the al Qaeda supergrass. So, I recorded it for you, and here it is.

And these were the lyrics which are almost completely indistinct on that recording:

We are young. We’ve got bombs. We’re ambivalent about the ongoing massacre in Homs. Kill the West, the Israelites. We’re Shi-ites.

[I then explained at length that I was aware that al-Qaeda is an almost universally Sunni movement]

We get up. Out of bed’n. Start to plan Armageddon. Check our shoes. Book our flights. We’re probably not Shi’ites.

Are we like you? We can’t be sure. But you country’s corrupt, and your women are whores.

Yes we are young. We love thrills. We’ve got teeth, full of cyanide pills. Bomb your friends. Bomb the sights. Bomb Shi-ites.

And not only did you miss that satirical blinking masterpiece, you missed Darren Strange, Nadia Kamil, Hils Barker, Ruth Bratt, Sir Ian Bowler, Jake Yapp, David Trent, Michael Legge & John Voce, and ME. You also missed us openly speculating about the final sexual fantasies of the sailors on the Belgrano, a rap about smear tests, and some actual footage of a pooing man.

Do better next month. May 8th, the Vandella.

Be there.

(Pippa Evans, Joe Wells, Ruth Bratt, Ben Champion, and Holly Burn will)


How could you?

These children will be this unhappy if you don't come

You may know that next Tuesday, April 17th, is the beginning of something *very* exciting. And by ‘very’ I mean ‘very, very’.

Next Tuesday sees the launch of the new, topical, character comedy night at The Vandella: Topical Cream.

Wait? What? Topical character comedy? Can such a thing even be done?

Oh, it can. This month and every month I shall be gathering the most intriguing, hilarious and bizarre weirdoes into one place to create an entirely new kind of comedy.

Yes, it’s topical comedy. No, it won’t simply be songs about how George Osborne has a stupid nose and drinks the blood of children. Although there will be songs.

It’s unlike anything you’ll have seen before, and it will leave you weeping hysterically, unable to move without medical assistance. You’ll laugh yourself in half.

And if that doesn’t convince you, here are ten more reasons.

  1. Time Out recommends that you come. It’s recommended by Time Out. Look, over on this page. The bit that says ‘recommended’? That means they recommend it.
  2. It’s a Tuesday. What else are you really going to do with a Tuesday? Really? No. Thought not.
  3. The line-up. We’ve got Ruth Bratt, Darren Strange, Sara Pascoe, Robin & Partridge, Hils Barker, John Voce & Michael Legge, Jake Yapp, David Trent, and Nadia Kamil.
  4. Oh, and ME!
  5. In future we’ve got Bridget Christie, Pippa Evans, Dan & Dan, Marcel Lucont, David Bussell, and many, many, many more.
  6. We are employing Professional Hecklers to make sure that any heckling that happens is of the highest possible quality. We are the only club in London to do this.
  7. The Vandella is lovely. It’s a brilliant venue, run by some lovely people. It’s comfy, quirky, and is definitely the place to be seen this summer.
  8. It’s musical, it’s odd, it’s got acts the like of which you won’t have seen before, all doing brand new material. It’s bleeding edge political comedy, and it’s where the new satire boom is going to happen.
  9. People will think you are cool when you can say that you saw all those people on the telly before they were famous.
  10. I love you and I miss you.

Book your tickets here.

OK. Two things.

First the anthology in which I have a story is running a competition. If you explain why I would be the ideal companion in the event of a zombie attack, you could win a prize. So, you could go and do that if you’ve got an extremely good imagination, or believe that an uncanny ability to fashion puns that refer to obscure sexual acts will be a skill that will come in handy when the undead rise from their graves and march upon their living to crack open their skulls and feast on the tasty innards.

Second, the big show at the Brighton Fringe Festival is tomorrow evening. If you haven’t already, I urge you to buy tickets now. Because if lots of people buy them then I can stop posting messages about the show on social networks and actually learn some skills which might come in useful in the event of a zombie-based apocalyptic event.

I could learn tae-kwon-do. I probably won’t, but I could. Or rifle shooting. Or how to fashion a shelter out of twigs and hedgehog turd. The newfound free time might just enable me to become the perfect companion in times of zombie attack.

Whatever. Think about it.

Last night, Sir Ian shouted at a small audience for Variety Radio Live. He covered AV, Syria, Winnergate, and more…

Why not listen here:

Last Friday, Sir Ian Bowler was at Quadrofunnier, at which he gave everyone the benefit of his insights on Libya, control orders, the economy, and Genesis.

Sir Ian Bowler made a public appearance last Friday night to address Libya, the forests, and anything else that drifted into his tired, rancid little mind.

Here are the results…

Creepy Tales Of Now

Yesterday, the details for my show in the Brighton Festival, In The Gloaming, were released to the world. It’s a stage adaptation of our award-winning podcasts, and will be a horror-comedy hoot.

You can’t buy tickets yet, unless you’re a friend of Brighton Fringe, but the details are all here. There’s also a Facebook event page here, where you can sign up, and I’ll keep you posted about when tickets go on sale, and things.

If you’re in the Brighton area in May do come along, I’d love to see you there! Even if you’re not, why not come over especially?

Here’s the review I got for the show from the West Sussex Gazette last year:

“IF YOU like your comedy as dark and bitter as the purest black chocolate then In The Gloaming will be just to your taste… The one-man show at the Arundel Festival, written and performed by the genius that is Nathaniel Tapley, is rich with black humour – but so strong that many maiden aunts, and even some who are a little worldly wise, might find themselves shocked into an early grave. It’s not for the faint-hearted. Death is a recurring theme as Mr Tapley relives some of his finest monthly podcasts which have won a cult following on the internet and beyond. But religion, politics, murder, and perversion of all types have the spotlight shone upon them as Mr Tapley recalls ghosts of the past to narrate their shocking tales. Mr Tapley is an extraordinarily skilled actor and polished writer with a gimlet wit – but unlike many comedians there is nothing reassuringly safe about his material. Michael McIntyre he is not.” The West Sussex Gazette

Previous logo of BBC Radio 4 until 2007

Image via Wikipedia

I have been dreadful at letting people know what I’ve been up to recently, so here’s something of an update:

1) Dick & Dom’s Funny Business: Many of you will have seen me being Gary the Useless Lion last week (for those who missed it, the iPlayer link is here). I’m recording another episode this week, so there will be more Gary on your screens in the very near future…

2) The News Quiz: This week, I’m writing additional material for The News Quiz. It will be on at 6:30, Friday, BBC Radio 4. It would be delightful if you could listen…

3) Short Story: The table of contents has been announced for the anthology which will contain my first short story to be published in an actual book. Those of you who are aware of my erudite wit, and waspish, allusive prose style will be unsurprised to learn that the book is called: The Zombie Feed Vol. 1 and will be published later this year…

I shall blog about all of these things when I have more strength / booze. Nanight.

It's hot in here

Roar!

This is Gary. He’s a lion. And he’s useless. He’s Gary, the Useless Lion.

Yesterday, Gary made his first appearance in the wide world, and people seemed to like him. So you may be seeing more of Gary in the future.

To catch Gary in his natural habitat, make sure you watch Dick & Dom’s Funny Business next month. Or just pay attention to the Useless Lion listings in your local newspaper…

Hello!

I was BORN to play this role...

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