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Go on, crunch it!

Crunch The News!

So. I’m just packing for Edinburgh.

But I thought you were going to be there the whole month. Weren’t you in some kind of show?

Well, yes. But that’s another story for another time. A time very distant in the future.

However, if any of you would like to see me while I’m up there, I’ll be one of the regular presenters of Crunch The News!

But what’s Crunch The News?

I’m intensely glad you asked. It’s a daily topical comedy show with all sorts of wonderful guests. Guests like Josie Long, Nick Doody, Joe Wells, Kate Smurthwaite, David Mills, Michael Legge, Hils Barker, all together with real life political people. And it’s hosted by people like me, Danielle Ward and John-Luke Roberts. It’s on at 12:20 at the Voodoo Rooms every day, and it will cost you exactly £0 to get in. It’s going to be amazong.

Yes, amazong.

I’ll also be around and about the place doing various other gigs from the 8th to the 23rd. So, why not pop along (to Edinburgh) and see me. That, too, will be amazong.

Here are some of the gigs you could come and see me at, if you’re feeling so inclined…

8th – Spank! (midnight at The Underbelly)

9th – Crunch The News!

10th – Crunch The News!

11th – Crunch The News!

16th – Crunch The News!

17th – Crunch The News!

18th – Crunch The News!

20th – Jim Smallman’s Group Therapy (13:00 Just The Tonic at The Tron)

22nd – The Super Serious Show! (20:55 Assembly Rooms)

There are more, but I’ll fill those in when I find my diary! See you all in Edinburgh!

 

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Hello! I’m doing a couple of shows next week, and I’ve made trailers for them. If I’ve not whored them at you on Twitter, Facebook, or by email, here they are!

Here’s the trailer for An Evening With Sir Ian Bowler & Guests:

It opens tomorrow, at the Hen and Chickens theatre. All of the details are here.

And here’s the trailer for One Man Show (For Two Men):

And you can find all of the details here.

Thank you for your time, and it would be lovely to see you at some point this week…

Hello, on Tuesday it’s Topical cream time again. This month we’ve got Pippa Evans, Ruth Bratt, Holly Burn, Stephanie Jory, Ben Champion, Joe Wells, Kate Smurthwaite and MORE all jumping around and squashing the news into new and exciting shapes for your viewing pleasure.

So here are ten more reasons why you should hie yourself down to the Vandella for 7:30 on Tuesday evening…

  1. Louise Mensch, Tom Watson, Boris, Ken, Egg Miliband, the omnishambles, there is just SO MUCH NEWS!
  2. We’ve only gone and bloody got Audrey Hepburn to perform for you. For one night only, she’s going to stop being dead and come to perform to you. Audrey bumming Hepburn!
  3. There’s going to be an actual celebrity guest, revealed tomorrow. To find out who, follow @tcreamshow on Twitter, and you’ll be the first to know.
  4. There will be competitions.
  5. There will be music.
  6. There will be love and romance. Let’s come to Topical Cream and dance (when invited to by the performers).
  7. It will be new, full of stuff that’s never been performed before, unlike anything you’ve ever seen before, and it’s all yours on a Tuesday night.
  8. Somehow, we’re going to top al-Qaeda Supergrass, but no one knows how, yet. Come and find out.
  9. Impress your friends by reciting the jokes the next day, and pretend you’re both well-informed and hilarious.
  10. You can win free tickets! If you RT or share information about the gig on Facebook, you’ll be entered into a draw to win FREE tickets. Amazong!

Details are here.

Book a ticket, then go spread the word…

One of the things you missed last night if you didn’t make it along to Topical Cream was out mature and thoughtful take on the story of the al Qaeda supergrass. So, I recorded it for you, and here it is.

And these were the lyrics which are almost completely indistinct on that recording:

We are young. We’ve got bombs. We’re ambivalent about the ongoing massacre in Homs. Kill the West, the Israelites. We’re Shi-ites.

[I then explained at length that I was aware that al-Qaeda is an almost universally Sunni movement]

We get up. Out of bed’n. Start to plan Armageddon. Check our shoes. Book our flights. We’re probably not Shi’ites.

Are we like you? We can’t be sure. But you country’s corrupt, and your women are whores.

Yes we are young. We love thrills. We’ve got teeth, full of cyanide pills. Bomb your friends. Bomb the sights. Bomb Shi-ites.

And not only did you miss that satirical blinking masterpiece, you missed Darren Strange, Nadia Kamil, Hils Barker, Ruth Bratt, Sir Ian Bowler, Jake Yapp, David Trent, Michael Legge & John Voce, and ME. You also missed us openly speculating about the final sexual fantasies of the sailors on the Belgrano, a rap about smear tests, and some actual footage of a pooing man.

Do better next month. May 8th, the Vandella.

Be there.

(Pippa Evans, Joe Wells, Ruth Bratt, Ben Champion, and Holly Burn will)


How could you?

These children will be this unhappy if you don't come

You may know that next Tuesday, April 17th, is the beginning of something *very* exciting. And by ‘very’ I mean ‘very, very’.

Next Tuesday sees the launch of the new, topical, character comedy night at The Vandella: Topical Cream.

Wait? What? Topical character comedy? Can such a thing even be done?

Oh, it can. This month and every month I shall be gathering the most intriguing, hilarious and bizarre weirdoes into one place to create an entirely new kind of comedy.

Yes, it’s topical comedy. No, it won’t simply be songs about how George Osborne has a stupid nose and drinks the blood of children. Although there will be songs.

It’s unlike anything you’ll have seen before, and it will leave you weeping hysterically, unable to move without medical assistance. You’ll laugh yourself in half.

And if that doesn’t convince you, here are ten more reasons.

  1. Time Out recommends that you come. It’s recommended by Time Out. Look, over on this page. The bit that says ‘recommended’? That means they recommend it.
  2. It’s a Tuesday. What else are you really going to do with a Tuesday? Really? No. Thought not.
  3. The line-up. We’ve got Ruth Bratt, Darren Strange, Sara Pascoe, Robin & Partridge, Hils Barker, John Voce & Michael Legge, Jake Yapp, David Trent, and Nadia Kamil.
  4. Oh, and ME!
  5. In future we’ve got Bridget Christie, Pippa Evans, Dan & Dan, Marcel Lucont, David Bussell, and many, many, many more.
  6. We are employing Professional Hecklers to make sure that any heckling that happens is of the highest possible quality. We are the only club in London to do this.
  7. The Vandella is lovely. It’s a brilliant venue, run by some lovely people. It’s comfy, quirky, and is definitely the place to be seen this summer.
  8. It’s musical, it’s odd, it’s got acts the like of which you won’t have seen before, all doing brand new material. It’s bleeding edge political comedy, and it’s where the new satire boom is going to happen.
  9. People will think you are cool when you can say that you saw all those people on the telly before they were famous.
  10. I love you and I miss you.

Book your tickets here.

The Lesser Of Three Evils

The Lesser Of Three Evils - picture (c) Monica Sablone

The eagle-eared among you may have noticed that I was not invited to the LBC Mayoral debate that turned into a triple-fuckathon in the lift. Despite that fact that this would clearly have been the best place to showcase my own, quite spectacular, personal lexicon of vulgarity together with half-baked theories about what London does or doesn’t need, I wasn’t invited.

LBC didn’t see their way clear to extending me an invitation. Neither did the BBC ask me on their Newsnight special last week. All in all, I can only conclude that there has been a wide-ranging media conspiracy to conceal me from the general public.

Perhaps partly because I am no longer an official candidate for London Mayor.

As March reached its end it became clear that I wasn’t going to have raised the £10,000 deposit needed to stand for Mayor of London. We raised some, but nowhere near enough. It was a little galling to realise that we had more than enough support in the boroughs to get the 330 signatures we would have needed, but that simple lack of funds was going to prevent us doing it for real.

Not to mention that the whole process was a massive pain in the arse. Who would have thought that standing for Mayor on an ill-thought-through platform, pretty much as a laugh would be hideously expensive, involve soul-crushing amounts of admin, and could possibly mean that you go to jail for electoral fraud? Really, who?

So, I’ve put off blogging about this out of embarrassment more than anything else. I feel like I’ve let a lot of people down. People who made posters life this:

My finest hour

Hell, yeah!

I’ve let down the hundreds of people who offered their signatures, and offered to collect others. And I’ve let down the people who pledged money.

Never will London see itself protected by an army of highly-trained chinchillas. And that’s on me.

However, Sir Ian’s campaign continues. There will be more blog posts, more videos, more revelations, and some very special guests. However, my name (and his face) won’t be on the ballot.

Not that they won’t be on one soon.

After all, we did raise enough to stand as an MP. Twice over.

And Sir Ian has given a solemn pledge not to stand against Nick Clegg in Sheffield Hallam in 2015…

Two years ago we released the first of the In The Gloaming podcasts, for Hallowe’en 2009. Our original plan was to make six. We got to four. (If you want a list of some of the many things we did wrong, I wrote a long post-mortem here. In fact, if you’re podcasting it is full of useful Dos and Donts. Mainly Donts.)

However, I got to work making half-hour horror comedies with some incredibly talented people. The casts included: Ruth Bratt, Michael Greco, Lizzie Roper, John Voce, John Hopkins, Zoe S Battley, Darren Strange, Sally Chattawa, Emma Powell, and Rachel Stubbings). I got to make one of those people wail “But these are my Beppe shoes!”

Anyway, because nothing is never truly dead on the Internet, and because it’s Hallowe’en, why not download one (or four), and have a creepy, funny Samhain? The Archive with all of the episodes is here. And then tell your friends.

In fact, don’t even bother to do that. Just click down there and start listening right now. Just click. DO what the creepy man says and click. What could possibly go wrong? After all, it’s Hallowe’en…

In The Gloaming may be a corpse, but it’s an animated one.

Sort of.

(Oh, I also have a short story in this month’s issue of Black Static, Britain’s foremost horror magazine, available at all good newsagents. End plug.)

OK. Two things.

First the anthology in which I have a story is running a competition. If you explain why I would be the ideal companion in the event of a zombie attack, you could win a prize. So, you could go and do that if you’ve got an extremely good imagination, or believe that an uncanny ability to fashion puns that refer to obscure sexual acts will be a skill that will come in handy when the undead rise from their graves and march upon their living to crack open their skulls and feast on the tasty innards.

Second, the big show at the Brighton Fringe Festival is tomorrow evening. If you haven’t already, I urge you to buy tickets now. Because if lots of people buy them then I can stop posting messages about the show on social networks and actually learn some skills which might come in useful in the event of a zombie-based apocalyptic event.

I could learn tae-kwon-do. I probably won’t, but I could. Or rifle shooting. Or how to fashion a shelter out of twigs and hedgehog turd. The newfound free time might just enable me to become the perfect companion in times of zombie attack.

Whatever. Think about it.

Here’s Gary’s second appearance on Dick And Dom’s Funny Business:

It’s been quite a year for my favourite MP. He stood down as Labour MP for Buckland and Ruttington, and stood up as Conservative candidate, beating himself soundly.

He was then deeply involved in the negotiations over the Coalition Agreement, which he insisted include a stipulation that non-jellied puddings be standard at Cabinet meetings. Political observers believe this to be a jibe at Danny Alexander, who likes nothing more than a bowl of jelly and ice cream after a hard day at the coal face. The coal face made up of newly-redundant teaching assistants.

Anyway, why not look back at how much (fashions, political realities, hairlines) has changed in the last year.

This is A Year In Bowler…

In April he suffered the shame and ignominy of having to resign. For a month.

After the election, his highly publicised spat with Alastair Campbell on Sky News led to his developing an entirely new colour in his cheeks. Scientists have provisionally named it ‘Megapuce’.

Sir Ian is so brilliant at using his computer he accidentally split this overlong video in two. Why not be the first person to ever watch both parts? (Because that would be dull.)

In late summer, Sir Ian was drafted in to help explain the changes in the child benefit system to a perplexed country. He did so by exploiting vulnerable youngsters, much in the same way he solved Buckland’s shocking lack of bootblacks and chimney sweeps.

Sir Ian decided to sing his opposition to the students. Because it rhymed. Sort of.

Enraged by his musical response, the students marched on London, and caught Sir Ian inside Millbank Tower.

Early this year, Sir Ian went on a speaking tour to explain our foreign policy…

And to berate sleepy financial experts.

And just last week he made sure that we all understood AV. What a legend.

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